


Constructive Criticism

by WolfOfAnsbach



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Meta, Other, Parody, leans on the fourth wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 08:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14052603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfOfAnsbach/pseuds/WolfOfAnsbach
Summary: A few weeks ago, Jughead Jones shared his novel in progress with his closest friends. Now, he's gathered them together in their favorite booth at Pop's to give him their thoughts. They've got a lot to say.The Jason Blossom murder storyline is good. So's the Black Hood–in concept, at least. The characters are overall pretty well written, if a little exaggerated and inconsistent at times. But there's just too much going on. Too many subplots. Too many new characters. Too many cheap surprises. And long lost sons and secret twin brothers? Really, Jughead, we know you're a better writer than that.___________________Basically my not-so-subtle satire of the Riverdale writers.





	Constructive Criticism

_The rain lashed at the windows of Pop’s Diner, shaking the brittle glass in its frame. Dark, portentous clouds marshaled in the grim skies above, a promise that the storm had only just begun. You know well by now the youngsters crammed into that little diner booth, kept t-_

“Jughead, are you narrating this _as we speak_?” Veronica slurps her milkshake.

Jughead sheepishly closes his laptop.

“No.” He lies brazenly.

“So…you wanted feedback, right Jug?” Betty ventures.

“Yeah. Of course. And remember, don’t go soft on me just because I’m your friend. I’m really trying to improve as a writer here. I can’t do that by getting my ego stroked.”

Archie nods.

Kevin leans forward. He has that look that says he’s desperate to put forth his opinion.

 “Okay, can I start?”

Jughead nods.

“Go ahead, Kevin.”

“Okay, I want to say, first of all, I’m in love with the concept. I adore the whole…real life fanfiction, if you will? Real people in invented situations. Very bold. Very modern. Love it.”

Veronica grunts.

“Concurred.”

“I sense a ‘but’ coming.” Jughead says with a smile.

“ _But_ …” Kevin starts. “And I get that it’s still a rough draft of course– _but_ there are some serious problems here.”

Jughead gestures for him to continue.

“Such as?”

“Well, I think you come out of the gate strong. I really like the Jason Blossom murder plot.”

“Agreed.” Betty says. “Very compelling.”

“I honestly don’t know if he’d be flattered or angry.” Archie says.

“You haven’t _shown_ him, have you?” Jughead asks, aghast. “ _Or_ Cheryl?”

“What? No, of course not.”

“Speaking of the Blossoms–your skill as an author aside–I’m a little worried about the potential legal ramifications.” Veronica stirs her milkshake. “I’m not sure they’ll appreciate you portraying them as incestuous drug-dealing murderers. That’s veering a little close to libel.”

“And if there’s anyone who’d sue you over it it’s the Blossoms.” Kevin adds.

Jughead nods, absorbing all of the input.

“Okay, but let’s get back to the quality of the writing, shall we?”

“Right, right.” Kevin says. “Anyway, as I was saying. You come out of the gate strong. The mystery is intriguing. You don’t give away the game too early. Suspicion is thrown everywhere, that’s good.”

“I have to mention it.” Betty says. “The…Miss Grundy and Archie plotline? It’s…it’s…” She struggles to finish the sentence without sounding harsh.

“It’s weird, Jughead.” Archie finishes for her. “No offense, but it’s weird. I’m flattered that you want to use me as a character in your novel, but I really don’t like being written as in a relationship with my music teacher. It’s a little disrespectful to her too, honestly.”

Jughead looks to Kevin and Veronica. Their eyes say much the same thing.

“Alright. Point taken. I’ll excise that subplot. I guess it did bloat the storyline anyway.”

“Great. We’re making progress already.” Kevin beams.

“Are you and the Blossoms really cousins?” Archie asks Betty.

“No, I made that up.” Jughead assures.

“Oh. Ok, good.”

“I’ll get right to it.” Veronica says. “Everything’s pretty good up until Archie’s dad gets shot.”

“He’ll get a kick out of that, by the way.” Archie smiles.

“There are some issues here and there, but for the most part the plot is solid. _But_ after that point…things start to go a little off the rails.” Veronica says cautiously.

“Off the rails how?”

“There’s just too much happening, Jug.” Betty says. “You’re throwing in _way_ too many plotlines at once. First there’s a serial killer in town. Then Veronica’s dad is a mobster or something? And Kevin’s dad and Mayor McCoy are having an affair? And then it turns out there was _another_ serial killer in town forty years ago? And you become de-facto leader of the Serpents.”

“That part felt a little wish-fulfillment-y to be honest.” Veronica interjects.

“It’s not wish-fulfill–It–I–I’ll take that into account.”

“And–I know Cheryl is…difficult sometimes, but do you really hate her _that_ much?” Archie asks.

“I don’t _hate_ her, why?”.

“Well, you just write horrible thing after horrible thing happening to her. It’s like every other chapter she undergoes some terrible trauma. It starts feeling a little sadistic after a while.”

“You could honestly just call this book _The Suffering of Cheryl Blossom.”_ Kevin shrugs.

“Seriously, if she ever somehow gets her hands on this she’ll claw your eyes out.” Veronica warns.

“Well as long as none of you…accidentally forwards her the google doc link or something then we should be fine.” Jughead responds.

“I’ll say it.” Kevin starts. “The ‘Cliff Blossom has a secret twin brother’ twist has got to be one of the worst twists I’ve ever read. Have you seen _The Village_?”

“I’ve seen _The Village_ , Kevin, it’s–“

“This is far worse.”

“Look, I’m just try–“

“And does my dad _really_ have to be the antagonist of the second part of the book?” Veronica asks. “I get that he makes a good bad guy because he’s rich and mysterious but you’ve basically made him into a soap opera villain.”

“It’s j–“

“And I’m not a huge fan of my portrayal later on.” Betty complains. “Do you _really_ think I’d blackmail someone–even Cheryl–with their loved one’s _snuff film_? That’s just…monstrous. You don’t really think I’m capable of something like that, do you?”

“It’s _fiction_ , Betty.”

“Yeah, but it’s supposed to be at least grounded in reality, right?” Archie says.

“And do you really think I’d jog around the woods looking to hook up when there’s a _serial killer_ on the loose?” Kevin demands, incredulous.

“No, Kevin, it’s a plot convenience to–“

“To make me look worse? I come off really controlling in this book.” Betty goes on.

“Alright, guys, slow down a little, I–“

“Why do I basically become Mr. Lodge’s puppet later on? You write me like a complete idiot, Jug.” Archie protests.

“And why does everyone in the Serpents have a stupid name?” Veronica says.

“That part’s actually true. Tall Boy, Sweet Pea, Fangs, and War Baby are all real.”

“Oh. Woah. Never mind. Anyway, I like the class warfare theme you keep teasing, but you never really develop it.”

“And we break up like every other chapter in this book.” Betty piles on. “There’s not something you want to tell me, is there, Jug?”

“Do you ever explain how your dad gets out of jail about a month after helping kidnap, torture, and murder a 17 year old kid?”

“Do you really have to graphically describe Jason’s corpse so often?”

“Alrigh–“

“You _are_ going to resolve the Black Hood plot at some point, right?”

“Chic's not real, is he?”

“And _Shankshaw Prison_ , really?”

“I wish you’d stop writing scenes where I put on that black wig.”

“Please tell me Jingle Jangle isn’t a real drug.”

“Alr–“

“Isn’t the whole ‘serial killer punishing sinners’ thing a little played out? I know you’ve seen _Seven_.”

“Can you write a scene where I singlehandedly win a game for the Bulldog–“

“ ** _Alright!_** Okay, guys. Obviously there are a _lot_ of problems here.”

“Well…you did ask for constructive criticism.” Kevin shrugs.

“Look, just write down your ideas and criticisms in the google doc when you get the time, okay? Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate that you all took the time to actually read my writing, I just didn’t expect for you to all pile on so fast.” Jughead chuckles nervously. "General consensus seems to be that I need to pare down the plotlines considerably. Streamline, if you will. And...maybe work on the characterization."

“Basically." His friends chorus.

“What are you planning on calling it anyway?” Veronica asks.

Jughead shrugs.

“I was thinking just _Riverdale_.”

A collective snort.

“Oh come on. We _know_ you’re more creative than that.”


End file.
